Enough as You Are: Why Self-Worth Is Always Relational

As a therapist, self worth is a theme that I keep coming back to with almost all of my clients, no matter what they are going through. All roads eventually lead to one tender question - “Am I worthy?”

Self-worth isn’t just another topic we talk about in therapy. It’s the foundation beneath everything,our relationships, our choices, our dreams, and even the way we speak to ourselves when no one else is around. But what does it really mean to be worthy? And where does that sense of worth even come from?

Before you keep reading, pause for a moment. Picture a tiny baby in their mother’s arms. Would you say that baby is worthy? Whatever answer comes up, notice why you believe it.

We like to think we arrive in this world already knowing who we are. But the truth is, we don’t. Our “self” isn’t ready-made, it takes shape slowly, in the quiet spaces between us and the people we love and depend on. Our  earliest sense of self forms in small, tender moments: how and how much we are held, how long our mother’s gaze lingers on us, how quickly we are picked up when we cry, how often we were soothed with a smile. These moments aren’t just comforting. They are defining.

From the very beginning, our sense of self expands or shrinks with the rhythm of how responsive and loving our caregivers are.

 As we grow, this process doesn’t stop. We begin scanning for acknowledgement and acceptance,in words, in glances, in tone of voice, in whether someone shows up for us or doesn’t. The adults we rely on for all our developmental needs shape us so deeply that we start tucking parts of our authentic self away. If something makes mum or dad upset, let me not do it, if they don’t like my no, let me keep saying yes. Attachment is a primary need to grow, to love and be loved. For attachment is much more important for a child than being authentic. We develop appropriate attachment-adaptations to survive and keep feeling close and accepted. For instance,  we hide our sadness because it feels like “too much.” Maybe we quiet our joy because it feels like “too loud.” Maybe we silence our needs because they seem like “too big of a burden.” We push these parts aside, hoping that if we just behave, achieve, or please, we will finally be fully loved.

We are not born knowing who we are. The people around us tell us. Their actions, and their silences, they become the mirror where we first see ourselves. Self-worth, then, isn’t just about us. It lives in our bodies, in how safe or unsafe we feel. It lives in our relationships, in whether love feels steady or shaky. And it lives in the stories we come to believe about who we are and what we deserve. When we grow up feeling safe and accepted as we are, a natural sense of worth grows inside us. But when love feels uncertain, inconsistent, conditional, our sense of self takes shape around those cracks. Deep down, every human is wired with the same longing: to love and be loved. That’s why almost every fear we carry, if you trace it far enough, leads back to one simple, tender question: “Will I be accepted and seen as worthy of love?”

When we don’t feel fully loved or accepted, we adapt. We find ways to survive the ache. Some of us become people-pleasers, bending over backwards to be chosen. Some pull away, avoiding closeness altogether. Some swing between the two,reaching out, then retreating when it feels too risky. Others bury themselves in work and achievement, hoping success will quiet the emptiness inside. Some numb their pain with substances. Some even throw themselves into healing and self-improvement, secretly believing that if they just “fix” themselves enough, love will finally come and stay. Different paths, same longing: “Please, see me. Please, love me.”

Here’s the truth I’ve learned: since our sense of self is formed in relationships, it can only fully heal through relationships. Yes, inner work matters. Spending time alone, sitting with our pain, tending to our wounds,that’s sacred and necessary. But it isn’t the whole picture. Because our self was never just about us. It has always been about how we are seen, held, and mirrored by others. We can do a lot of work in solitude, but our deepest wounds come alive when we are in connection with someone else. That’s where they show up, and that’s also where they can finally be fully healed.

Through relationships, we are formed. Through relationships, we are broken. And through relationships, we are healed.

So many of us secretly hope that if we just become perfect, we will finally feel worth it and  love will finally arrive. However, that is not how it works. Healing happens when we let ourselves be seen as we are,messy, flawed, human, and still worthy of love. Sometimes the most powerful thing we can hear, the thing that rewires our sense of self, is this:

“You are okay, even when you are a work in progress. You are loved, even with your flaws. You are enough, exactly as you are.”

Think back to that baby you imagined earlier. That little one didn’t need to do anything to be worthy. Maybe you don’t either. Maybe your worth was never something to earn. It was something you were born with. And maybe, just maybe, intentional inner work and the right relationship can help you see it again.